Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat....

My roommate recently proposed we go on the Aktins* diet–emphasis on die for two weeks to prepare for her impending trip to California. I however, will be taking a poor man’s (or woman’s) stay-cation in Chicago. In other words, my bank account has been depleted by the interest fees I have accumulated from charging various things to my credit card, such as jillions of music files from iTunes or that packet of gummy bears I bought five years ago, so she gets to go to Cali while I have to stay home, left behind to contemplate my reckless financial behavior. Unrelated: Has anyone seen my tiny violin??**

ANYWAY, she asked me to go on the diet with her–for moral support. I agreed. Because I am a fool. And because she is abusive and forces me to do things I don’t want to do, like: exercise, read books [?] watch Dateline, try stupid diets, wear pants, wake up before noon, go out in public…the list goes on. She claims she makes me do these things because she “cares about me”.***

Whatever.

So back to the Aktins diet. First rule of Aktins diet: No talking about the Aktins diet. Second rule of Aktins diet: NO CARBS OR SUGAR WTFWTF.

No carbs or sugar, meaning, everything I currently eat. No pasta, no bread, no fruit, NO CEREAL, (my one true love, whom I’ve had a serious on/off relationship with since ‘92. In fact, my ONLY serious relationship. Ever.) chocolate, ALCOHOL (my second love, le’sigh) ETC ETC KILL_ME_NOW.   

This diet will probably work for me since I’ll most likely starve to death or just cry a lot because I can’t have a Monster energy drink every day before work. At least I’ll save money from not buying ten boxes of Peanut Butter Cap’n crunch every week. And another perk?? BACON BACON BACON.****

Alas, I am willing to give this a try. It might be a fun adventure…? Um, probably not, but it’s only two weeks, I just need to suck it up, or just suck my stomach IN more and be done with this nonsense. Either way. Wish me luck.

Signing off,

Alegna               


*Name has been changed so I don’t get sued or mugged or pepper sprayed for jokingly criticizing this cult-diet plan

** I really do have a tiny violin somewhere

*** I’M BEING SARCASTIC. My roommate is my best friend in the entire freaking world and I love her so much. Tweet Tweet!       

**** UNICORN