Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat....

All Right.

There is a woman. Who comes into my work almost every day to take ballet class. She’s very sweet, very timid, and to say the least EXTREMELY AWKWARD. I am convinced, without a doubt, that she is the most socially maladroit individual on the face of the planet. That’s pretty bad coming from ME. A clumsy bumbling fool who looks at Facebook for a living…….

So, who IS this woman?

I will refer to her as “Oprah” to protect her identity because she’s a nice woman and I wouldn’t want her to feel bad if she were to somehow come across this note. I chose Oprah because Oprah is so famous now her name has become less of an identity for her and more of a brand, or genre even. Like Batman. Or Kmart. Or iPod. Plus, I’m sure Dorothy…oops…I mean “Oprah”….ugh….Let me start over. I’m sure “Oprah” watches Oprah (the show) so that’s why I’ll call her ….ah feck it….Nevermind. Her name is Dorothy. DorothyDorothyDorothy. (I say feck because I’ve been reading Lieutenant of Inishmore.)

Anyway.

Dorothy has this magical gift of speech that allows her to talk without stopping while throwing in more non-sequiturs than those found in L. Ron Hubbard’s book of Scientology. Somehow she’ll segue from brushing her teeth to the importance of cage humidity for Chinese water dragons (unless you live in a warm climate).
Most of her stories, actually ALL of her stories start with ” I was walking my dog…”, and end with anything from “…so that’s the last time I’ll ever cook pot roast while taking a bath” OR ” …the doctor said my eye will stop twitching after the root canal, but only if I stop using hairspray.”

Dorothy’s talent usually brings out *my* superpower which is “The Inability to Suppress Laughter When It’s Entirely Inconvenient—Usually At Work When I Have To Greet People And Answer The Phone Or Talk To My Boss” so I find myself : 1. Running away from her 2. Desperately trying to stifle my spit-infused, jovial facial spasms AND 3. Collapsing to the floor in a full out frenzied fit of laughter. If this happens while I’m on the phone, I simply hang up and repeat steps 1-3.

Now on top of all this, Dorothy manages to insult me every day in a very passive-yet-anything-but-a ggressive way. So as she is telling one of her epic stories, as fervently as a starving hummingbird desperately searching for the last drop of nectar, she puts me down, not-so- subtly, sprinkling insults here and there, as obvious as coffee grinds on a white wedding cake. You know it’s there, but you ignore it because it’s *still* cake dammit and that reception was so long and I’m hungry!!!!! I had to use a wedding reference because once she said, ” I think it’s inappropriate when weddings don’t have food.” And I’m pretty sure her niece gets married every weekend after she walks her dog because that’s always a plot point in her stories.

Ha.

So here are the most recent examples of Dorothy in her element.

Enjoy.

D: You look really nice today!

A: Thanks!

D: You’re always wearing interesting things. I wish I had the guts to dress like you.

A: Well I..

D: It’s good that I don’t dress like you though, because my boss has been firing a lot of people lately, I don’t even know why. I’m so scared to do anything wrong around him. Recently, someone got fired for saying a client’s name wrong and I don’t even know what I would do if I were to get fired. I’d have to find another job and I would have to move and some places don’t allow you to keep dogs so I’d have to find an apartment that allows pets. He’s just a small dog so wouldn’t be that much of a problem. But I always like how you dress and I really wish I could dress like that too but I know my boss would fire me for dressing like a weirdo. Especially if I wore that nailpolish you have on. People would think I was morbid and probably wouldn’t talk to me at work and my boss doesn’t like strange nail-polish either. He said it’s distracting.

A: ……..


I think that day I was wearing a black shirt with a green scarf?…so…I guess that makes me a weirdo. And the nail-polish? Dark blue. Not black. Stop it.

I couldn’t possibly be insulted by her observations because they are in fact, very true. I AM a weirdo. I AM morbid. However, by middle school most people have developed some sense of tact and know when to exercise diplomacy when commenting on someone’s appearance or lifestyle, ETC. ETC.

NEXT!

D: I like your hair…it’s nice and long!

A: Oh thank you! I actually want to get it cut really short.

D: No….you shouldn’t do that, I like it long.

D: I *would* grow mine out but it’s so hard to take care of when it’s long.

A: Actually I…

D: I like mine to be shorter because then I feel like I can get more done. Like when I’m at work and I don’t have time to put it into a pony tail, it would be so nice if it was just really short and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all. I don’t sit around all day like you. I do things. Like go to work, swim, and dance. You don’t do anything so you can grow your hair nice and long. I mean, if you had a dog or something, or if you ran, I could understand why you would want short hair. But you don’t do a lot. Me? I’m really active and I just don’t have time to fix my hair.

A: ummm…

D: I just like how wavy your hair is, and it’s so long. But anyway I have to go to class. I’m going to be late. I haven’t been able to wake up on time lately, I don’t know what it is. Sometimes, I’ll set my alarm clock twice so I know for sure I’ll hear it, but that only works if my dogs wakes up too because he just hates the sound it makes and it really bothers him. I think it’s because dogs have sensitive ears and they just can’t handle the frequency of the alarm clock. But that’s why I can’t have long hair. Because I never have time. But I know you don’t always have a lot of time either because you always look tired. Do you like dogs?

A: What?…..dogs? yeah…….

D: Ok I have to go upstairs now…Larry doesn’t like having people late for class.

A: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Ok Dorothy. I know I sit at a desk all day AT WORK but I don’t sit at a desk during my free-time on Saturday nights. I watch Oprah. And I knit. And I HAVE SCREWS IN MY FEET SO I CAN’T RUN! THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN!!!!!!

And I’m not *that* tired…thanks Dorothy. I take sleeping pills for feck’s sake…..

For the conclusion of this note, I will list a few famous Dorothy quotes for your enjoyment:

“You look so tired today, do you ever sleep? Dark circles under your eyes are harmless really, so you shouldn’t worry.”

“Do you know who did it? {What?} ” The murders! I’ve been trying to figure out who the murderer is for days now but I really don’t know.”

“I love dressing up like a mermaid.”

“I don’t enjoy squirrels as much as my dog does.”

“There is a dog in my apartment building that just hates me and I can’t understand it. I just want to know why…?”

“If I ever see someone I went to college with on a commercial or t.v. I just wonder how many of my classmates are in prison or dead. Life goes by so fast you know?”




Thank you Dorothy. I don’t know for what. But thank you.

;)