ALEGNA TRANSLATOR
Sometimes I hide my true intentions by asking vague questions that are somewhat or not at all related to whatever I’m actually thinking about in my brain. Here is a translator to help you decipher what it is I’m really trying to say.
Example 1
What I said: “How’s your favorite sports team or whatever doing this year, Dad?”
What I meant: “I need money and/or a motorcycle. A red one. Please.”
Example 2
What I said: “Would you be able to pay for this apartment by yourself?”
What I meant: “I have a warrant out for my arrest and am fleeing the country tonight. I left some money on the table to help you with rent for the next few months. Thanks for being such a great roommate. I’ll see you in the future? Ciao!”
Example 3
What I said: “I’d LOVE to go out with you sometime! But….I have to babysit**. When? Um. All the time. Everyday. Most hours of the day. Especially the hours that you would want to hang out. Maybe next time?”
What I meant: “I am a recluse* and I don’t want to go out with you. Good luck pulling me away from my apartment, ever. Especially on Thursday nights when the Office and 30 Rock are on. I’m already in a serious relationship with vodka***, so, leave**** me alone*****.”
* 14 cats
**[DISCLAIMER] Occasionally, I really do have to babysit
*** We have since broken up
**** Reading Rainbow
***** Z
Example 4
What I said: “If I can’t afford to go to California this summer, would you still go without me? Because I think you should.”
What I meant: “My boss called and informed me that someone broke into our office about an hour ago. I may or may not have forgotten to lock the safe properly. The safe full of money. Lots of money. Money that I will have to reimburse if it has been stolen. Please shoot me in the face and have fun in California this summer without me.”
