August 2009
3 posts
Give Me Bread or Give Me Death
My roommate recently proposed we go on the Aktins* diet–emphasis on die for two weeks to prepare for her impending trip to California. I however, will be taking a poor man’s (or woman’s) stay-cation in Chicago. In other words, my bank account has been depleted by the interest fees I have accumulated from charging various things to my credit card, such as jillions of music files from iTunes or that...
Spandex at the Bank
I was watching American Gladiators today
YES…..
AMERICAN GLADIATORS!
As opposed to Russian or Central American Gladiators.
One may question why anyone with standards or a life would watch such a program*…but I have three words for you: Men In Spandex.
Pure 100% Genuine 1980’s SPANDEX.
Spandex. Wrapping approximately eight men with physiques even Chuck Norris would envy, like...
June 2009
1 post
May 2009
7 posts
GrAnd RaPids, Miccchhiigggannnnn
Dear [insert your name here],
If anyone is traveling to Grand Rapids, Michigan anytime soon, or currently resides in said location, please find my parents and let them know I’m still alive. And *might* need money. Lots of it. Oh, and I love them and stuff like that.
Thanks!
xoxo
Angela
Immaturity makes the world go 'round....
My boss asked me to type this for a ballet class that is doing a production of ‘The Nutcracker’ next year.
I will let the script speak for itself.
“Clara’s favorite present was a nutcracker*, a funny little toy that cracked nuts most valiantly. She loved this nutcracker* so much that when, on Christmas Eve, her naughty brother, Fritz, gave him too big a nut to crack and...
My Mermaid Costume Would Fit You Well
All Right. There is a woman. Who comes into my work almost every day to take ballet class. She’s very sweet, very timid, and to say the least EXTREMELY AWKWARD. I am convinced, without a doubt, that she is the most socially maladroit individual on the face of the planet. That’s pretty bad coming from ME. A clumsy bumbling fool who looks at Facebook for a living……. So, who...
“Things are looking sideways and you’re down on your luck/ so just drown...”
– Vodka
╚╕Granola Bar Blues ≡§
Things I’d rather do than go to therapy every week:
Anything else
Buy a motorcycle
Roll around in the mud
Drink vodka
Drink vodka on the subway
Drink vodka at work
Work
Work while drinking vodka
Something something vodka
Sketch a picture of a unicorn with a unibrow wearing a unitard
Sleep
Think about sleeping
Reminisce about the 2nd grade
Enroll in the 2nd grade
Imitate a...
April 2009
10 posts
Olive Oil + Salt - Money = Lunch
I’ve started dating again. And by that, I mean I’m currently seeing a psychologist/ psychiatrist once a week and that’s the closest thing to a date I’ve had in years. Instead of calling her by name, I will refer to her as my ‘therapist’ because every session she rapes my emotions like a polar bear would a lone baby seal in the Arctic Ocean during mating season....
Fun at the Box Office
Phone Call # 1 Moi: [Redacted] Center for the Arts…How may I help you? Caller: May I park in the lot when I come to class? Moi: Yes, just make sure you sign in at the front desk. Caller: Can I sign in when I get there? Moi: ….yeah…. Caller: I might sign in first, and then park the car, is that ok? Moi: …… Phone Call # 2 Moi: [Redacted] Page Center, how may I...
! Robot Horoscope ¿
Daily Horoscope:
Gemini - April 27, 2009 Your attitude toward others pushes you to meet people who could be considered by a large majority as eccentric, dear Gemini. In fact, most people probably would think them to be downright strange. You will be happy to meet such a person, who ultimately may not be unfamiliar to you. Strangely enough, it most likely will be yourself.
SUPER ROBOT...
Explain yourself, Mister!
ALEGNA TRANSLATOR
Sometimes I hide my true intentions by asking vague questions that are somewhat or not at all related to whatever I’m actually thinking about in my brain. Here is a translator to help you decipher what it is I’m really trying to say. Example 1 What I said: “How’s your favorite sports team or whatever doing this year, Dad?” What I meant:...
What Would Jesus Do For A Tumblr Bar?
Hey you—person reading this random page. Hi. Not sure what you’re doing here [lost perhaps?] If you’re looking for something interesting or funny to read, this is not the place for you. I am boring and fantasize about sleeping all day and am 14 cats short of being a certified recluse. I am also mentally insane. You could say I’m mentally challenging myself to be insane on a...
“Vodka”
– Me
Bored. AS USALLY
Just sitting at work/ talking to myself/ bought a box of crayons/ and I’m coloring an elf/ I’m so hungry I could cry/ but I’ll just continue/ to sing this lullaby [to myself]/ FIN
March 2009
1 post
“My favorite color is Wednesday”
January 2009
1 post
7 Boring Things About Moi
Ok…I was ‘tagged’ by @detweiler I have to post 7 things about me and yada yada yada here we go….
1. I can fly. Believe it. Or not. Your choice. 2. Despite all the advice and horror stories against it, once, I picked up a hitchhiker. And I’m still alive. Amongst all the foolish things I have done in my life, I will rate this at a ‘7’ on the scale of...