Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat....

My roommate recently proposed we go on the Aktins* diet–emphasis on die for two weeks to prepare for her impending trip to California. I however, will be taking a poor man’s (or woman’s) stay-cation in Chicago. In other words, my bank account has been depleted by the interest fees I have accumulated from charging various things to my credit card, such as jillions of music files from iTunes or that packet of gummy bears I bought five years ago, so she gets to go to Cali while I have to stay home, left behind to contemplate my reckless financial behavior. Unrelated: Has anyone seen my tiny violin??**

ANYWAY, she asked me to go on the diet with her–for moral support. I agreed. Because I am a fool. And because she is abusive and forces me to do things I don’t want to do, like: exercise, read books [?] watch Dateline, try stupid diets, wear pants, wake up before noon, go out in public…the list goes on. She claims she makes me do these things because she “cares about me”.***

Whatever.

So back to the Aktins diet. First rule of Aktins diet: No talking about the Aktins diet. Second rule of Aktins diet: NO CARBS OR SUGAR WTFWTF.

No carbs or sugar, meaning, everything I currently eat. No pasta, no bread, no fruit, NO CEREAL, (my one true love, whom I’ve had a serious on/off relationship with since ‘92. In fact, my ONLY serious relationship. Ever.) chocolate, ALCOHOL (my second love, le’sigh) ETC ETC KILL_ME_NOW.   

This diet will probably work for me since I’ll most likely starve to death or just cry a lot because I can’t have a Monster energy drink every day before work. At least I’ll save money from not buying ten boxes of Peanut Butter Cap’n crunch every week. And another perk?? BACON BACON BACON.****

Alas, I am willing to give this a try. It might be a fun adventure…? Um, probably not, but it’s only two weeks, I just need to suck it up, or just suck my stomach IN more and be done with this nonsense. Either way. Wish me luck.

Signing off,

Alegna               


*Name has been changed so I don’t get sued or mugged or pepper sprayed for jokingly criticizing this cult-diet plan

** I really do have a tiny violin somewhere

*** I’M BEING SARCASTIC. My roommate is my best friend in the entire freaking world and I love her so much. Tweet Tweet!       

**** UNICORN

I was watching American Gladiators today

YES…..

AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

As opposed to Russian or Central American Gladiators.

One may question why anyone with standards or a life would watch such a program*…but I have three words for you:  Men In Spandex.

Pure 100% Genuine 1980’s SPANDEX.

Spandex. Wrapping approximately eight men with physiques even Chuck Norris would envy, like glistening Christmas presents on a hot summer day AND they run around and wrestle each other like Greek Olympians, only they aren’t Greek and this isn’t the Olympics…it’s

AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

Yeah Man.

Anyway. While I was watching A.G.! My mum handed me a stack of mail she had kept safe for me during my 10 day hiatus in Holland and Chicago. (Believe it or not Holland and Chicago are basically the same city. Ripley. Believe it!) I rummaged through the thick pile and concluded that it was basically a compendium of JUNK. The very last article in the pile was a relatively bulky envelope with the word CONFIDENTIAL stamped across it in RED, dictating a sense of authoritative urgency that I felt I definitely should not ignore this ominous package.  (I thought I PAID all of my tickets!!!! I don’t want to go to jail!!!!!!)

I opened it carefully since it could have been a bomb or anthrax or something.  Being the important public figure I am, I figured this letter was warning me of a secret attempt against my life, or it was the attempt itself.

Finally I was able to bypass the annoyingly secure flap that had been adhered by 20,000 pounds of super-glue, and I realized it was an unnecessarily large packet from my former employer “JPChorgan Mase Bank” **

The packet is titled, “Everything You Need to Do Before You Leave”

Okkayy. It might as well have been titled, “We are Going to Kill You For Quitting”

I decided to venture further and read this mini-choose-your-own-adventure book from the bank, it could be fun…

“Step One: Inform your manager that you plan on terminating your position at JPChorgan Mase.”

Uhhh….I thought I made that very clear by QUITTING!

“Step Two: Return all keys, I.D. cards, laptops, codes, and combinations to either the manager or assistant manager AND another person of authority complying with all Duel Control methods within the policies and procedures of the branch.

Whoa Whoa wait…..what is this Jurassic Park?! The closest thing I had to an I.D. card was a cardboard tag with some silly promotion plastered all over it…OPEN NEW CHECKING! GET $50!!!!!!YAYYYYYyyyyyyyyayyyYYYY!!LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF A MUFFIN! CLEVER MARKETING!! YAYYyyyyyyyyYYY!! WE GET YOU MAN! WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! SEE! WE ARE FUN! SO OPEN AN ACCOUNT!!!!!MUFFINS ARE COOL! WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!

And what is all this talk about laptops…PLURAL?!?! I do not remember ever receiving a laptop EVER. IN MY LIFE.

They must have sent me the “We Give This Packet to Everyone-Even the Poor People Who Work Full Time Without Benefits for Nine Dollars and Hour Because We Want to Save Money Making Packets So We Can Afford To Give Some of the Higher Up People Laptops” packet.

Thanks.

So I skim down the page, figuring I already completed all of their obvious and asinine tasks-when I came across a paragraph titled,

“In Case You Die”

What?

What have I gotten my self into?!? Did I accidentally sign a blood oath binding me to this company for the rest of my mundane life?!?!?!?!

“If you die before receiving all of your benefits, your beneficiary will then in turn become the recipient of those benefits. Also, any balances in your account(s) will also be relinquished to your designated beneficiary.”

Oh good.

I’m soooo glad my five dollars and thirty six cents will be in good hands. NOW I can die in peace knowing my money is safe AND that I DID do “Everything I Needed to Do Before I Left That Crazy MotherF*@ing Bank.”***

Thank you JPChorgan Mase. For all that you do.

You can expect a packet from me titled, “Thanks JPChorgan Mase For Letting Me Work At Your Bank For A Year And Helping Me Reach The Highest Level Of InSaNiTy A Person Can Obtain While Still Being Able To Function As A Human Being—And By Human I Meant To Say Robot Guardian Slave To Your Precious Disgusting Good For Nothing Dirrrty Money That I Wish I Could Burn But I Don’t Want To Go To Prison Anytime Soon Because I Have Screws In My Feet And I Would Get My JPChorgan ASS Kicked If I Ever Set Foot (no pun intended) In Said Institution.”

It might take a few weeks for me to get started on that packet though.

I have a whole marathon of

AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

to get back to.

On that note: Is anyone hiring?!?! Preferably in Chicago?!?!

* I have neither a life nor standards

** I don’t want to be sued so I changed the name of the institution of the bank I used to work for. Funny story though, I used to baby-sit for a guy named J.P. and his son’s name was Morgan and I used to Chase him around all over the place. Just a story that popped in my head. Popped or Pooped. Your choice. Weatherball Poop.

*** The bank was quite unpleasant but I ADORE the people I worked with. Someday I will save them from that wretched institution.

Dear [insert your name here],

If anyone is traveling to Grand Rapids, Michigan anytime soon, or currently resides in said location, please find my parents and let them know I’m still alive. And *might* need money. Lots of it. Oh, and I love them and stuff like that.

Thanks!

xoxo

Angela

My boss asked me to type this for a ballet class that is doing a production of ‘The Nutcracker’ next year.

I will let the script speak for itself.

*must be read using voice of Peter Griffin à la “BACKSCRATCHER!”

Annnd……I’m immature. Back to work!

All Right.

There is a woman. Who comes into my work almost every day to take ballet class. She’s very sweet, very timid, and to say the least EXTREMELY AWKWARD. I am convinced, without a doubt, that she is the most socially maladroit individual on the face of the planet. That’s pretty bad coming from ME. A clumsy bumbling fool who looks at Facebook for a living…….

So, who IS this woman?

I will refer to her as “Oprah” to protect her identity because she’s a nice woman and I wouldn’t want her to feel bad if she were to somehow come across this note. I chose Oprah because Oprah is so famous now her name has become less of an identity for her and more of a brand, or genre even. Like Batman. Or Kmart. Or iPod. Plus, I’m sure Dorothy…oops…I mean “Oprah”….ugh….Let me start over. I’m sure “Oprah” watches Oprah (the show) so that’s why I’ll call her ….ah feck it….Nevermind. Her name is Dorothy. DorothyDorothyDorothy. (I say feck because I’ve been reading Lieutenant of Inishmore.)

Anyway.

Dorothy has this magical gift of speech that allows her to talk without stopping while throwing in more non-sequiturs than those found in L. Ron Hubbard’s book of Scientology. Somehow she’ll segue from brushing her teeth to the importance of cage humidity for Chinese water dragons (unless you live in a warm climate).
Most of her stories, actually ALL of her stories start with ” I was walking my dog…”, and end with anything from “…so that’s the last time I’ll ever cook pot roast while taking a bath” OR ” …the doctor said my eye will stop twitching after the root canal, but only if I stop using hairspray.”

Dorothy’s talent usually brings out *my* superpower which is “The Inability to Suppress Laughter When It’s Entirely Inconvenient—Usually At Work When I Have To Greet People And Answer The Phone Or Talk To My Boss” so I find myself : 1. Running away from her 2. Desperately trying to stifle my spit-infused, jovial facial spasms AND 3. Collapsing to the floor in a full out frenzied fit of laughter. If this happens while I’m on the phone, I simply hang up and repeat steps 1-3.

Now on top of all this, Dorothy manages to insult me every day in a very passive-yet-anything-but-a ggressive way. So as she is telling one of her epic stories, as fervently as a starving hummingbird desperately searching for the last drop of nectar, she puts me down, not-so- subtly, sprinkling insults here and there, as obvious as coffee grinds on a white wedding cake. You know it’s there, but you ignore it because it’s *still* cake dammit and that reception was so long and I’m hungry!!!!! I had to use a wedding reference because once she said, ” I think it’s inappropriate when weddings don’t have food.” And I’m pretty sure her niece gets married every weekend after she walks her dog because that’s always a plot point in her stories.

Ha.

So here are the most recent examples of Dorothy in her element.

Enjoy.

D: You look really nice today!

A: Thanks!

D: You’re always wearing interesting things. I wish I had the guts to dress like you.

A: Well I..

D: It’s good that I don’t dress like you though, because my boss has been firing a lot of people lately, I don’t even know why. I’m so scared to do anything wrong around him. Recently, someone got fired for saying a client’s name wrong and I don’t even know what I would do if I were to get fired. I’d have to find another job and I would have to move and some places don’t allow you to keep dogs so I’d have to find an apartment that allows pets. He’s just a small dog so wouldn’t be that much of a problem. But I always like how you dress and I really wish I could dress like that too but I know my boss would fire me for dressing like a weirdo. Especially if I wore that nailpolish you have on. People would think I was morbid and probably wouldn’t talk to me at work and my boss doesn’t like strange nail-polish either. He said it’s distracting.

A: ……..


I think that day I was wearing a black shirt with a green scarf?…so…I guess that makes me a weirdo. And the nail-polish? Dark blue. Not black. Stop it.

I couldn’t possibly be insulted by her observations because they are in fact, very true. I AM a weirdo. I AM morbid. However, by middle school most people have developed some sense of tact and know when to exercise diplomacy when commenting on someone’s appearance or lifestyle, ETC. ETC.

NEXT!

D: I like your hair…it’s nice and long!

A: Oh thank you! I actually want to get it cut really short.

D: No….you shouldn’t do that, I like it long.

D: I *would* grow mine out but it’s so hard to take care of when it’s long.

A: Actually I…

D: I like mine to be shorter because then I feel like I can get more done. Like when I’m at work and I don’t have time to put it into a pony tail, it would be so nice if it was just really short and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all. I don’t sit around all day like you. I do things. Like go to work, swim, and dance. You don’t do anything so you can grow your hair nice and long. I mean, if you had a dog or something, or if you ran, I could understand why you would want short hair. But you don’t do a lot. Me? I’m really active and I just don’t have time to fix my hair.

A: ummm…

D: I just like how wavy your hair is, and it’s so long. But anyway I have to go to class. I’m going to be late. I haven’t been able to wake up on time lately, I don’t know what it is. Sometimes, I’ll set my alarm clock twice so I know for sure I’ll hear it, but that only works if my dogs wakes up too because he just hates the sound it makes and it really bothers him. I think it’s because dogs have sensitive ears and they just can’t handle the frequency of the alarm clock. But that’s why I can’t have long hair. Because I never have time. But I know you don’t always have a lot of time either because you always look tired. Do you like dogs?

A: What?…..dogs? yeah…….

D: Ok I have to go upstairs now…Larry doesn’t like having people late for class.

A: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Ok Dorothy. I know I sit at a desk all day AT WORK but I don’t sit at a desk during my free-time on Saturday nights. I watch Oprah. And I knit. And I HAVE SCREWS IN MY FEET SO I CAN’T RUN! THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN!!!!!!

And I’m not *that* tired…thanks Dorothy. I take sleeping pills for feck’s sake…..

For the conclusion of this note, I will list a few famous Dorothy quotes for your enjoyment:

“You look so tired today, do you ever sleep? Dark circles under your eyes are harmless really, so you shouldn’t worry.”

“Do you know who did it? {What?} ” The murders! I’ve been trying to figure out who the murderer is for days now but I really don’t know.”

“I love dressing up like a mermaid.”

“I don’t enjoy squirrels as much as my dog does.”

“There is a dog in my apartment building that just hates me and I can’t understand it. I just want to know why…?”

“If I ever see someone I went to college with on a commercial or t.v. I just wonder how many of my classmates are in prison or dead. Life goes by so fast you know?”




Thank you Dorothy. I don’t know for what. But thank you.

;)